like fuses.

adamantine @ 2003-05-09T17:37:00

2003-05-09T21:35:05Z

hello, again.

hello.

2002-05-23T02:15:33Z

adamantine @ 2002-05-21T14:21:00

2002-05-21T18:22:41Z

Summer sessions at M. U.

Just swan an hour and it was glorious. I am in the lab now just checking things out.

Heaven knows why I thought that will the departure of Fall and Spring semesters, Blanch the crabbiest janitor around would be gone also.

damnit.

adamantine @ 2002-05-21T01:11:00

2002-05-21T05:09:17Z

i'm feeling off. indifferent. hurtful. like i'm neglecting everything and everyone in my life. this that and the other thing. all blind to it and feeling falsely edified and justly accused. i am no good. i am having these feelings honestly and not because someone is making me question them. this is all me, baby. it must be may.

why do you love me, anway?

adamantine @ 2002-05-20T11:58:00

2002-05-20T15:56:06Z

it doesn't feel as if it's started yet.

adamantine @ 2002-05-19T23:27:00

2002-05-20T03:28:16Z

i can't seem to find john. number one.

numbers two through six:

had a pleasant weekend of work and softer.
what's the point.

bought new moby. i like it.
do you? ___

great for the grass

2002-05-18T13:34:58Z

it's raining hard. the leaves outside my window are twitching. slick. i'm going down to campus to run/swim. i'm going to listen to beck on the way down and a tape that i found.

Q.

adamantine @ 2002-05-17T16:56:00

2002-05-17T20:58:51Z

just helped with dinner. my mother seems to have trouble giving directions. her rendition of the tomato salad looked like hell so i took the scooped end of the romaine and set the tomatoes over-lapping with the tiny mozzarella balls lined side by side in from of them. all laid in the scoop of lettuce with onion drizzled over it as well as fresh basil, salt and pepper.

now, i am beginning to admire the culinary arts. they put van gogh on walls. they listen to beethoven. they read virginia wolff. but if you are a chef, no matter how good you are, your art is lost into the hungry mouths and throats of america and beyond. only to be digested. your art, quite literally, turns to shit.

you know what?

that is beautiful.

do not click on the link below.

2002-05-17T17:57:41Z

Yes, I should have felt differently.

the fresher

2002-05-17T17:12:30Z

the pool closed at twelve. i walked into the gym at 11:45. drat. it's running yet again.

i'm not so sure what i'm going to do with myself this summer. i have no idea. read. write. and breathe, i suppose.

adamantine @ 2002-05-16T18:23:00

2002-05-16T22:24:13Z

some things take a long time. like realizing what was so unimaginable about that first time around. seeing in detail from the corner of my eye. fifteen feet away and it wasn't just you, or you, or you. it was a moment that i didn't get on tape.

__

the 3 and a half days are over and i'm finally home. i'd like to run or swim but i know i need a rest. my car, my father says, is on its way out. he asked me if i wanted a VW bug. i said no.

i tweezed my right eyebrow and then i looked around the room. all the objects drowning in what people call the beginning.

adamantine @ 2002-05-13T10:34:00

2002-05-13T14:35:35Z

alright, i am gone because:

tonight: last exam at 7:45, then off to her.
tuesday: nyc
wednesday: washington DC and belle and sebastian
thursday: awaken in hotel room and drive all the way home.

talk about getting started.

adamantine @ 2002-05-12T22:47:00

2002-05-13T02:46:28Z

lj seems to be backed up.

coffee went well. very well. we sat in here for a while and looked through some yearbooks and talked. she looked great in here. sitting on my bed. looking at everything. it was so nice. i was thrown aback by it.

adamantine @ 2002-05-12T18:48:00

2002-05-12T22:49:11Z

she's coming here for coffee later. my parents and all. it's so hard to convince others that your parents are incredibly liberal people. it's really difficult to try and wash it over the brains of people who weren't raised as complacently as you were.

[and besides, they think we're just friends.]

adamantine @ 2002-05-11T21:17:00

2002-05-12T01:17:54Z

had mum's day dinner at the country club. dinner was fascinating. sharon was our server again. lovely. i ordered a special dessert to go for c. white rasberry mousse cheescake with candied pecans and mango sauce. there are fresh rasberries all over the darn thing!

i'm off to share it. goodnight.

adamantine @ 2002-05-11T17:25:00

2002-05-11T21:25:51Z

so i am banned from her house. till everything is out. i have the spare key. she dropped it into my palm this afternoon. i guess that's official. now we wait.

it's come to just this.

2002-05-11T04:18:23Z

sitting here
wearing old pomret flannels
ringer
listening to the new v. morrison john sent

and i've got a deflated helium-quality latex balloon between my teeth.

it's orange.

adamantine @ 2002-05-10T23:42:00

2002-05-11T03:44:59Z

maybe this falling apart feeling comes from the fact that everything around me seems ruined. my brother is currently some kind of failure; he's made all the wrong decisions. he's impossible. i love him to death and the debris from his sudden collapse is suffocating me. my mother is just on a downward spiral. getting worse. a consumption machine whose motto has become "food is love." and my father has to provide for us. then again, he doesn't really. he just doesn't have the brass to walk away though i can see it in his eyes that he's like to.

and then there's me. my room is clean. my bills are paid. my gas tank is full. my g.p.a is nearly impeccable. i'm shit-happy-madfaced-in-love. things are alright.

but i feel like the biggest asshole on the face of this earth, for reasons that i can't even explain.

adamantine @ 2002-05-10T14:51:00

2002-05-10T18:55:52Z

last night was up and down. we had dinner from broadway and watched home for the holidays while jodie foster explained the whole thing. i was mesmerized. ginger called halfway through and shook cindy up a bit. she stopped the film and told me i should stop coming around until she has things figured out.

normally, i would react calmly. always.

i pulled away from her but she kept trying to keep me still. she grabbed me by my shirt and everything. i was being irrational and yelling 'fuck you. it had to be you too! fuck off, let go!"

i couldn't believe i was doing it. i get tired of fighting. she's much to strong for me. she held me by the arms and explained that if anything ever happened she wouldn't have any idea what to do about herself. she's never forgive herself. she told me to leave.

i had 2 glasses of wine. i couldn't drive. i had to stay so we drove to home depot and bought new locks for all the doors. i spent the night and had horrible dreams because my tempature was up and down all night.

everything is okay. i just hope ginger is alright. they want to put her on lithium. that's no good. damn, i don't want anyone to hurt. at all.

adamantine @ 2002-05-09T00:09:00

2002-05-09T04:08:02Z

just as you began to think that nothing was better than seeing your favourite band live you decide to see them again, a week later with three of your most beloved colleagues. will it never end?

adamantine @ 2002-05-08T11:56:00

2002-05-08T16:00:29Z

so charlie bello is hiring for his archaeological firm this summer. according to peter this work include hauling heavy rocks with your barehands and digging little foot by foot trenches. sifting and floating and what not. this bello guy will be is alaska for a while but he's going to be digging some features in ny, pa, and here in jersey.

peter says it might not be suitable for my narrow frame but i looked to dr. veit who might just weigh a good 15 lbs lighter than myself. the man is an animal with a marshaltown trowel. the job pays more than twice then what i'm making at bauer and i'll be lean and wiry by the end of the summer. and quite tanned to boot.

i can't imagine not liking it. neef will laugh at me, rubbing it in that i am and archaeologist and there's hardly and distinction between anthro and archaeo.

well, anyways, i want to do the work. digging in the dirt, find the places i got hurt, so that story goe

adamantine @ 2002-05-08T01:28:00

2002-05-08T05:29:02Z

feeling all weird, i guess.

my father is angry with my youngest/older brother for being an idiot and so am i. he's been obsessing about a girl that broke up with him more than a year ago. i have been guilty of lingering, i know. but he went to her house to steal something of his back off of her property. a plant. let it go boy. please, after all this time, can't you let it go?

[i need to pay my mobile bill. i need to spend more time with my family, as they say. but what do we fo together anyhow. i am not missing anything really. i'm just having a better time. i am not trying hard enough and i know it. i do suck.]

adamantine @ 2002-05-07T10:57:00

2002-05-07T15:01:46Z

it's the image behind the cafe that still kills me. the image of your walking through the iron gates with a red t-shirt and cut off shorts. walking all narrow-like with your hair falling over your eyes. sitting with me for more than minutes at a white table. taking my my smokes in turn. drinking coffee like tar and feathers. walking aorund town looking at our reflections in every window thinking we looked so good together.

last night you looked too thin. your face was gaunt. your cheeks like white paper walls. your bones looking to tear and grab through your skin. everything inside looked so deparate to get out. you looked like you hurt. you looked like being alive was the most hurtful thing in the world.

that hurts.

adamantine @ 2002-05-07T00:17:00

2002-05-07T04:23:52Z

i always look to the moments that draw a chapter to a close. i always look for when things turn around; when night becomes day and we beat on.

i took a lot with me tonight. from these past 3 months. this past year has been. has been. enough for me. but we are surfacing.

i found the night again. the night i used to talk about. it was the mirror image. everything had shifted to it's opposite side. we laughed and talked and there were new faces everywhere, drinking in the light. it did not resemble those evenings a year ago. it looked nothing like it. there was no remnnance of blues. a short stint and philo and i swallowed my pride. walked back into the shaded darkness of those evenings. with the taps open and all of our lives on fire. alive.

adamantine @ 2002-05-06T01:57:00

2002-05-06T05:55:50Z

there is but one thing is this universe that even remotely rivals sharing physical intimacy with the one you love, and that is seeing your favourite band live for the first time.

oh god, that was incredible.