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Friday, May 9th, 2003

Time:5:37 pm.
hello, again.
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Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002

Subject:hello.
Time:10:18 pm.
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Tuesday, May 21st, 2002

Time:2:21 pm.
Summer sessions at M. U.

Just swan an hour and it was glorious. I am in the lab now just checking things out.

Heaven knows why I thought that will the departure of Fall and Spring semesters, Blanch the crabbiest janitor around would be gone also.

damnit.
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Time:1:11 am.




i'm feeling off. indifferent. hurtful. like i'm neglecting everything and everyone in my life. this that and the other thing. all blind to it and feeling falsely edified and justly accused. i am no good. i am having these feelings honestly and not because someone is making me question them. this is all me, baby. it must be may.

why do you love me, anway?
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Monday, May 20th, 2002

Time:11:58 am.
it doesn't feel as if it's started yet.
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Sunday, May 19th, 2002

Time:11:27 pm.
i can't seem to find john. number one.

numbers two through six:

had a pleasant weekend of work and softer.
what's the point.

bought new moby. i like it.
do you? ___
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Saturday, May 18th, 2002

Subject:great for the grass
Time:9:35 am.
it's raining hard. the leaves outside my window are twitching. slick. i'm going down to campus to run/swim. i'm going to listen to beck on the way down and a tape that i found.

Q.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, May 17th, 2002

Time:4:56 pm.
Mood:tiddlywinks.
just helped with dinner. my mother seems to have trouble giving directions. her rendition of the tomato salad looked like hell so i took the scooped end of the romaine and set the tomatoes over-lapping with the tiny mozzarella balls lined side by side in from of them. all laid in the scoop of lettuce with onion drizzled over it as well as fresh basil, salt and pepper.

now, i am beginning to admire the culinary arts. they put van gogh on walls. they listen to beethoven. they read virginia wolff. but if you are a chef, no matter how good you are, your art is lost into the hungry mouths and throats of america and beyond. only to be digested. your art, quite literally, turns to shit.

you know what?

that is beautiful.
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Subject:do not click on the link below.
Time:2:00 pm.
Yes, I should have felt differently.
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Subject:the fresher
Time:1:09 pm.
the pool closed at twelve. i walked into the gym at 11:45. drat. it's running yet again.

i'm not so sure what i'm going to do with myself this summer. i have no idea. read. write. and breathe, i suppose.
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Thursday, May 16th, 2002

Time:6:23 pm.
some things take a long time. like realizing what was so unimaginable about that first time around. seeing in detail from the corner of my eye. fifteen feet away and it wasn't just you, or you, or you. it was a moment that i didn't get on tape.

__

the 3 and a half days are over and i'm finally home. i'd like to run or swim but i know i need a rest. my car, my father says, is on its way out. he asked me if i wanted a VW bug. i said no.

i tweezed my right eyebrow and then i looked around the room. all the objects drowning in what people call the beginning.
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Monday, May 13th, 2002

Time:10:34 am.
alright, i am gone because:

tonight: last exam at 7:45, then off to her.
tuesday: nyc
wednesday: washington DC and belle and sebastian
thursday: awaken in hotel room and drive all the way home.

talk about getting started.
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Sunday, May 12th, 2002

Time:10:47 pm.
lj seems to be backed up.

coffee went well. very well. we sat in here for a while and looked through some yearbooks and talked. she looked great in here. sitting on my bed. looking at everything. it was so nice. i was thrown aback by it.
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Time:6:48 pm.
she's coming here for coffee later. my parents and all. it's so hard to convince others that your parents are incredibly liberal people. it's really difficult to try and wash it over the brains of people who weren't raised as complacently as you were.

[and besides, they think we're just friends.]
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Saturday, May 11th, 2002

Time:9:17 pm.
had mum's day dinner at the country club. dinner was fascinating. sharon was our server again. lovely. i ordered a special dessert to go for c. white rasberry mousse cheescake with candied pecans and mango sauce. there are fresh rasberries all over the darn thing!

i'm off to share it. goodnight.
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Time:5:25 pm.
so i am banned from her house. till everything is out. i have the spare key. she dropped it into my palm this afternoon. i guess that's official. now we wait.
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Subject:it's come to just this.
Time:12:18 am.
sitting here
wearing old pomret flannels
ringer
listening to the new v. morrison john sent

and i've got a deflated helium-quality latex balloon between my teeth.

it's orange.
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Friday, May 10th, 2002

Time:11:42 pm.
maybe this falling apart feeling comes from the fact that everything around me seems ruined. my brother is currently some kind of failure; he's made all the wrong decisions. he's impossible. i love him to death and the debris from his sudden collapse is suffocating me. my mother is just on a downward spiral. getting worse. a consumption machine whose motto has become "food is love." and my father has to provide for us. then again, he doesn't really. he just doesn't have the brass to walk away though i can see it in his eyes that he's like to.

and then there's me. my room is clean. my bills are paid. my gas tank is full. my g.p.a is nearly impeccable. i'm shit-happy-madfaced-in-love. things are alright.

but i feel like the biggest asshole on the face of this earth, for reasons that i can't even explain.
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Time:2:51 pm.
last night was up and down. we had dinner from broadway and watched home for the holidays while jodie foster explained the whole thing. i was mesmerized. ginger called halfway through and shook cindy up a bit. she stopped the film and told me i should stop coming around until she has things figured out.

normally, i would react calmly. always.

i pulled away from her but she kept trying to keep me still. she grabbed me by my shirt and everything. i was being irrational and yelling 'fuck you. it had to be you too! fuck off, let go!"

i couldn't believe i was doing it. i get tired of fighting. she's much to strong for me. she held me by the arms and explained that if anything ever happened she wouldn't have any idea what to do about herself. she's never forgive herself. she told me to leave.

i had 2 glasses of wine. i couldn't drive. i had to stay so we drove to home depot and bought new locks for all the doors. i spent the night and had horrible dreams because my tempature was up and down all night.

everything is okay. i just hope ginger is alright. they want to put her on lithium. that's no good. damn, i don't want anyone to hurt. at all.
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Thursday, May 9th, 2002

Time:12:09 am.
just as you began to think that nothing was better than seeing your favourite band live you decide to see them again, a week later with three of your most beloved colleagues. will it never end?
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for taller_than_dalton.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.